jeanius goodfuck
nearly sixteen under construction. you know how it goes.
Some people take responsibility for the things they say and the opinions they speak out.
I am not one of those people, so let me get a few things straight. Take whatever I say into whatever
context you like. It may be the right one and it may be the wrong one. I will not take responsibility
for your thoughts on my thoughts; that's your own to decide. Just know that I never tell the honest
truth. Maybe half of it, but not all of it. Thankyou for your time. The x button is in the top,
right-hand corner, btw. Cheers, jean.
Today is the last day for me to be completely honest. Well, as honest as I want to be.
I started crying to that last night. Only because I wish shit like this actually existed. Fall in love, get hurt, and move on only to find out someone else hasn't.
Maybe I'm just in love with drama.
But I realised how weak I actually am when I realised I was crying to this. Even now just watching back on it and I'm tearing up. I know why I'm nearly crying but I don't want to admit it. Admitting it would mean that it's actually real, and once it's real you can't take it back. You can't un-real things. And I just hate myself for being so weak and stupid and caring too much.
I wish I was a heartless bitch who felt absolutely no emotion.
Anyway, 14 hours until 2008 is over. I'm going to go enjoy it. Or not.
10:08 AM
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Too much on the mind. Not a lot in the heart. Got a ticket for two and a vacant seat in hell. Pass me a pen so I can record the lies I say. Need to keep tabs in case I fumble with the words. There's a song written about me and apparently I'm not your lover. Just the person who held your hand when you got lost. Lead you on your way and take me astray. I know who you are better than I know who I am. If you hesitated when you should have been adamant, then there's a problem with the logic. Turn the lights off and turn off the charm. It's all between the sheets when you're never around. Blame the bad mood on a jealous behalf. There has got to be another way to end the fight.
8:32 PM
Monday, December 29, 2008
Everyone wants a piece of what they can't have, but when they get it, they throw it away. If only they knew what they were missing, or what they never had. Maybe they would appreciate it. Maybe they would realise that everything they ever needed was right in front of them. Right in front of them and they couldn't see. Couldn't see what they really needed. Really needed someone like you. You.
"I think I may have loved you, but I need to let you go."
9:12 PM
Sunday, December 28, 2008
I know I'm abusing this so much, but I guess I have too much on my brain right now.
Okay, I semi-retract my earlier post and I say, "We all need a little bit of Milo in our lives." And, no, not the drink.
I MEAN THAT. UNF. He looks like some twink I'd find on xtube. Freakin' lmao. But seriously. Why did I not watch Gilmore Girls earlier? Seriously, there's him, Jared Padalecki AND Adam Brody. All in one episode. ONE FREAKIN' EPISODE. OKAY WAIT OMG. NOW THEY'RE ALL IN ONE SCENE. FSDIOJIOFGEJSGIOSIOWG.
Omg, my life.
But he does not beat:
\o/ \o/ \o/
ACTUALLY, OKAY, REWIND EVERYTHING I'VE SAID AND LET'S JUST SETLLE FOR:
Hahahaha, my life. Seriously.
Enough of my flailing.
8:38 PM
Everybody needs a William Beckett in their life. I wish I had one too, but I guess God only made one of him these days. If only there were more people like William Beckett in the world, then nobody would be so lonely. :]
Live on a bus. Get around town. Your fucking life. I want.
6:29 PM
Saturday, December 27, 2008
I'm sort of really content with life right now. Well, maybe just today due to the fact that my dykey Southerner made me feel oh-so loved :D Tru lufffff, isnt a fairytaaaaale, love isn't make belieeeeve, truluff lyk ourz iz sew much moar dan dyamond ringzzzzz. Omg, lmao, if anyone besides Lauren can tell me who sung that song, you will own my fucking soul.
For some reason I randomly decided to listen to it and I fell in love with it all over again. It reminded me of Flowers in the Attic and how much I loved that book. If only the movie didn't look/wasn't so shitty, then I'd use this song for a trailer or something. My media-infested brain always thinks about how trailers would look like for books, the songs that would play, how the main characters would look like.
Actually, I do that for everything, come to think of it. If something happened to me in ~rl, I'd think about how that would look like in a movie, or how someone would write it in a book. It'd sort of be like what happened to Cameron Diaz's character in The Holiday when shit happened to her and then that guy who always does movie trailers comes on and yeah. Lmao, just watch it.
Too late I'm sure and lonely It's another night, another dream wasted on you Just be here now against me You know the words so sing along for me, baby
10:23 PM
There's one friend out of all the ones I have that sticks out in particular. And she always has, ever since the day I kinda met her. Jean. She's just. Ergh. I don't even know how to put into words my love for her. I don't think it's even possible. I honestly wake up every. single. day, and I wonder how I could ever be so blessed to be her friend. She's just my… my star, if I'm honest. Every day (well, almost. Timezones :/), I laugh until there are tears in my eyes because of her. And if I'm having the most horrible day of my life, all I can think about is when I'm going to talk to her because she'll make it a million times better. And that's not even enough to say! It makes me wanna friggin' cry sometimes that we live across the friggin' country. I rly wish she was one of my irl friends. But then again, I don't, because I never respect my irl friends enough. But I think that I respect her and love her so much by this point that she would change that. She's a gaay erpson and rly feaky. Sometimes she needs to stf1 and realize it was all her fauly. Hahahah, I love you and your typos, bb. And mine. Never, ever change.<3 - Lauren Dy
It's too early for me to get all heartfelt, but seriously. I love this girl sososososososososo much. She gets me like nobody else ever could. I don't have to be anyone for her, I don't have to hold back for her; all I have to do is just be me and she loves me for that. She's my rock and I don't know what I'd do without her most of the time. She's the only one who can make fun of my typos and get away with it or stalk my bulletins (I know she's reading this right now. HAI S.I.L.F!) We've gone through so much in the past year and a half from our emails to our AIM convos to her insomnia to my bitching to our flailing. We share everything with each other from guys to family to friends to STD's. She is my Southerner and I love her with every fibre of my body. :]
I think I'll do what she's doing and QAF it out.
Or eat breakfast/lunch/brunch/not quite breakfast and not quite lunch.
12:00 PM
Friday, December 26, 2008
I wish you'd just take a step back out of my life. For, you know, just a minute. Give me a little space to forget that it ever happened. Thanks. Asshole.
+ Next Christmas there's a likely chance that I'm not going to be in the country. Hooray for planning holidays. "Let's get out of this bitch town!" + I started watching QAF again. Gale Harold does not age. At all. + Bought black skinny legs that were %40 off down to $60 from $100. Woo. + I fucking hate people who like the things I fucking like after I tell them that I like it. I know it's a fucking stupid thing to say BUT I DO NOT WANT TO LOOK LIKE I COPIED SOMEONE WHEN I SAY I LIKE IT, TOO. FUCK YOU. LIKE YOUR OWN FUCKING THINGS. + Cutting down on my cussing is also my ny resolution. Lmao, as if that's going to work out.
Anyway, I'm off to go do other fun things that don't involve me swearing.
9:28 PM
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Last night I had a dream about two people. The first was someone who I'm willing to forget but really don't want to. Then that person turned into someone who I thought I had forgotten, but apparently I didn't. Funny, I enjoyed the second part of my dream more than the first. It was a good dream. Until I got woken up.
OH, SPEAKING OF DREAMS. I few entries ago I was talking about one other dream I had where I was "the right sexuality". Firstly, I'll just say I don't mean that in an offensive way. I meant that I wasn't having my weird lesbian dreams and I was actually straight. Lmfao. Anyway, the point is. That guy in my dream. I saw him on the train a few days ago. This guy was a figment of my imagination AND I SAW HIM ON THE TRAIN SITTING NEAR ME. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?
That "feaked" me out
My Christmas was surprisingly good. I think I doubted how loaded my sister actually is. Or how generous. The party was good as well. A family friend told us all about the hip hop dance comps and America. It made me want to do both. We watched the World Hip Hop comp and it was fucking amazing.
Have a video of the world varsity champions:
Guys who can dance are fucking sexy. -squee- Seriously, they could be so fugly, but if they danced like that in front of me I'd jump their bones. HAHAHAHAHAHA. No, really.
Anyway, I'm going to sleep so I can be FRESH for tomorrow's shopping. I'm buying new black skinny legs and a trucker hat. Coz I am so awesome.
Cheers.
10:41 PM
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
This morning I had to wake up at 4am to go to a 5am novena mass. Apparently it's, like, a filo thing but maybe Maltese people do it, too. Anyway, the point is it reminded me of being back in Philippines during Christmas, and I realised that I actually missed it. No matter how much I complained about it I honestly did love it. I miss the heat, the travelling, the fireworks and lights of Christmas and New Years. I miss the beaches and my family and the massive ~malls. Most of all, I miss being away from my own life for just a few weeks.
This was the best place that I went to. It was absolutely wonderful, the beaches were beautiful and it was just fucking damn calming.
I wish I had a place like that where I could go everyday and just not think. About anything. At all.
It was kind of funny when this happened. One minute it was sunny, and when I woke up the next day a typhoon rolled around. My first ever natural disaster and I wasn't even scared that I was going to die or anything. I sat outside watching the rain and the trees fall down. The best part that happened was when the cute guy's family moved to the apartment next to ours because theirs leaked. He was awesome. Seriously.
I liked going here, too, where my dad lived. Tito Bonnie has this sort of shelter thing. I don't know how to describe it, but it's right near the beach and I'd just lie there and write or read or sleep. The walk back to Tito Ben's house was really awesome as well because we'd go right through the crops and it was just. Yeah.
I think I'm going back there next summer even though I really want to go to Canada to see my second cousins. They were cool and I miss them alot. This Christmas does not even compare to the ones I spent overseas. -sigh-
Long entry. Whatever. I'm off to go celebrate Christmas.
P.S.
1:47 PM
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
How come it always seems like the picture I post is more fitting for the entry before? Murphy's Law, I see.
I had a good day being dragged around, following sexy guys with Muffin and trying to be discreet even though we were saying, "DAYUUUUUUM." Sexy guy working at equally sexy store was sexy. Dang, those black jumpsuits were hot. Too bad they didn't have my size in the Cobra shirt. It would've been nice to feel a little Cobra in my life.
When I sit on the train, I like to take a window seat to watch the world go by. It's all flashes of places I've been and memories I've seen. On the way home, I try not to watch the same side. Who wants to see it all over again? And for once I'll take a train to nowhere because nowhere is a place I haven't been. Sometimes, I don't want to be me. I just want to be another nameless face in a sleepless city where no one cares who you are or where you're going. We always dream about getting out of town, but how many people actually turn that dream into reality? Nobody would know because those people would have already gone.
Maybe my new years resolution would be to say, "I love you" and actually mean it. But, really, I do. I guess I just love a little too easily.
10:28 PM
Monday, December 22, 2008
Maybe this picture would've been more fitting for my other entry.
Lucky I'm not the jealous type: It's times like this I'm on my way to the top of the world, but when reality comes knocking on the door I realise that there is no top of the world. The world is round, so where's the top? Sometimes I can't be when I don't know what to do. Forgetting is hard when memories are clouds and a thunderstorm looms ahead. I opened my umbrella to fight off images of you, but you blew me away. I'd say thanks for the storm, but I don't know what's worse; the fact that it's sunny somewhere else or that I'm not there?
8:12 PM
I had a dream last night that was different from the ones I've been having this past week. For once, I was the right sexuality. Ha. The difference was that I loved the type of person I couldn't stand and I had the guts to do something I could never do. It's a weird feeling, loving somebody who was all wrong for you. At least it was just a dream.
Sometimes people can disappoint you. It's worse when it's the people you love because you don't want to be angry at the people who know you. Then again, do they really?
11:44 AM
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Well, hey. I'm already boring.
I don't know what to write in this now that I have it. Maybe I just think that it looks pretty and I want to stare at it, but I don't want to ruin it. Oh, well. My words ruin everything, anyway.
I'll leave you with a song.
I wanna make you smile, Whenever you're sad. Carry you around when your arthritis is bad. All I wanna do, Is grow old with you.
